Friday, October 5, 2018
The hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head.
It happened again. I experienced jouska. I thought about it over and over, played out each scenario and returned to it last night just as I tried to sleep. To be honest, I have had this hypothetical conversation play out hundreds of times in my head over my entire adult life.
I said something. I did something. I hurt someone. I was hurt. No matter the reason, the conversation has stuck with me. Stuck to my heart and my mind as if it is hanging on for dear life. I have tried to shake the memory loose time and time again, but to no avail.
I crawl into bed, sure that this is the night my brain will relax and I will fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. That is never the case. Something about being horizontal enables every thought, every pain, every heart hurt, every memory to rush over me.
I wish I had said something differently. I wish I didn't do it like that. I never wanted to hurt anyone. Why am I still so hurt myself? All that being said, I may be hurting my self more than anyone, letting this unproductive hypothetical conversation take up residence in my mind.
More often than not, the conversation that I have refused to let go of is only remembered by me. In all actuality, I am judging myself for my own words and actions. I wanted it to play out differently. So my feeble attempt at making amends, I try to reformat it, rearrange and change what happened only to find that it will not work out that way. What is done is done.
I apparently fear judgement. That someone has looked down on me. Chances are, they have long forgotten this minuscule conversation, this molehill that I have made into such a mountain. They see it as a non event, where I feel that I have made it the center, the most important, the focal point.
It doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to be as important as I have made it. It doesn't have to be my go to jouska.
Everyone does things and says things they wish they had not. This is mine. Maybe I should extend myself a little more grace. Because others have always done so, why do I hold myself to such an expectation of perfection? I will not always do what I should. I will not always be as articulate as I wish I was. But today, with a little bit of Grace, and whole lotta Jesus, I am dismissing this jouska. No longer a go to thought. No longer a rabbit hole of regret. It is done. It is over. Because there are bigger and better things that my mind can move on towards. Real life amazing conversations to had. Words expressed and encouragement to be given.
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