Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Do You Wanna Know What I Regret?

Last night, I had a small speaking engagement. There were other authors, quite a few poets and a great interactive listening audience.  I shared a funny Lily story before reading my second piece.  I talked about how my poem called Regrets Nothing was included in the 2018 Arts Consortium Poetry Contest and in July, I brought Lily to Parley Lake for the contest winners poetry reading during ArtStock.

Reading a piece like Regrets Nothing is no easy feat. It covers life experiences, some that still sting,  but not one of them regretted.

I told the story that when I was at Parley, I finished, walked off the stage and back to where Lily was sitting.  She leans over smirking, wiping sweat from her brow, and quips, "Do you wanna know what I regret? I regret coming here on the this hot day!" 

This child. She is ridiculously amazing. I love her spunky nature and her silliness.  She was right.  The day was so hot, we were both overdressed and needed the breeze to pick up. We both enjoyed our time together that day, but the heat was so unnecessary.

Rather than reading through the poem Regrets Nothing again last night, I talked about how sometimes when I write something, I believe it is true. At least when I write it. I then explained that when I write, sometimes the words I commit to paper then make a liar out of me.  I had this happen when I wrote the piece ALLTHERAGE.   I discovered that there were thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I had been holding on to and hadn't processed.  I hadn't experienced them fully. More so just bottled them up and stifled them. Holding on to the rage was something I regretted.

I spoke of how I discovered that it wasn't just rage that I was holding onto, but it was also, fear, jealousy and actual regret.
I then shared the following piece.

ALLTHERAGE

FULLOFIT
ME
IAMFULLOFIT
RAGETHATIS
IDIDNOTKNOW
UNTILHESAID
YOUAREFULLOFIT

FROMHEADTOTOE
FULLOFFEAR
FULLOFREGRET
FULLOFJEALOUSY
FULLOFRAGE
FULLOFIT
ME

NOTPOPULAR
NOTSOMETHINGCOOL
NOTTHEINCROWD
JUSTTHEPOSSESSOR
IKEEPITALL
ALLTHERAGE
IAMFULLOFIT


IAMGIVINGITBACK
IDONOTWANTIT
RAGEISNOTFORME
NOTNEEDED
DOESNOTHINGFORME
MAKESMESICK
ADDSLINESTOMYEYES

ALLTHATRAGE
GIFTEDTOME
FORTHEASKING
ALLTHATRAGE
COULDHAVERUINEDME
RIDDINGMYSELFTODAY
NOLONGERFULLOFIT



I had realized then when driving home last night that jealousy is still there. Jealousy of what someone has that I do not. What purpose does it serve for me to hold onto this? It only hurts me.

I will talk to Lily again tonight when I pick her from play practice. Share with her about the laughs I received when retelling her funny quip she made. I will also share with her about that jealousy that I am working on letting go. How I will focus on every day joy, contentment and being more present rather than always making hindsight observations.

Sometimes I feel she completely understands what I am talking about. Other times, she hears me, thinks about it a bit, but then believes it to the another random meandering thought I have shared with her. Either way, I have shared a part of me with her. It isn't necessarily a great part, a part I want others to see, but it is true, it is real, and it is something that I am working through. In my openness and my attempt to be honest with her, hopefully she will want to do the same. To be open and honest with her mom. Even when it is uncomfortable and awkward.



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