Thursday, October 25, 2018

Do It Afraid

 I was struggling with fear today.  More than just fear. I was terrified. I was at the doctor and needed to have some tests done. These tests could make the calmest person panic.  I couldn't catch my breath, I blotted the tears escaping from my eyes. I couldn't relax.  I asked for a minute.  I cried it out.  I prayed and asked God to help me hold every thought captive.  The fear was still there. Then I cried some more.  I had to have these tests done. It was a necessity.  I had to do it.  I was filled with fear. and the fear was not subsiding. I had to choose to move forward and have the tests done even though I was so very afraid.

When have you had to do something afraid? Filled with fear? When have you had to do something so challenging that you thought you needed to flee immediately? No matter the instance, we all experience fear. Sometimes it is something you have to do, or a conversation that needs to take place, or decision that needs to be made.  Today, my fear manifested itself in tears and me not being able to breathe.

I realized that I was anticipating pain, but I was more afraid of the outcome. Of what the doctor would say. When Josh entered the room to join me for the doctor's review and communication of the medical treatment plan, I felt a sense of relief, but I knew what would happen next. I would hear a confirmation of what is wrong with me.  The confirmation is what I was fearful of.  It made it real.  Hearing it said out loud by a medical specialist made me realize that I can't deny it anymore. But all of this turmoil today and what lead up to today, also showed me that what I am feeling is completely legitimate, real, and normal.

The plan is to try to avoid having surgery. One, because of my youngish age, two, because it is invasive and doesn't always work.  I will be seeking treatments through a specialist in hopes of enabling my body to heal a bit on its own.  Will it work? I do not know. But I will do everything the specialists say.  I will go to every doctor's appointment. I will follow every plan.  I may still be filled with fear, but I will do it afraid.  These next 12 weeks I know what I will be doing. I will be praying. I will be asking the Lord to lead me and walk with me daily.  I will pray and ask for this fear to subside. I will praise Him as I go through this process. I will rely on His strength. Sometimes, when we do it afraid, our trust increases. Our faith increases. My need for Jesus is ever present. God can be glorified in my dependence in Him. He can be glorified in my weakness.  His faithfulness and goodness to me is what I will continue to boast in.

Isaiah 41:10
Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Psalm 46:1-3
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified , for the Lord your God goes before you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

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