I Know What That Means
By: Kelli J Gavin
After my family moved to Minneapolis three years ago, my parents refused to visit us in our new home. At first, I struggled with the fact that maybe they didn’t care enough to see my new home. I even convinced myself that they were probably a little bitter since we chose to move away. And by away, we are only talking twenty minutes with traffic from the home in which I was born and raised. Repeatedly, both my husband and I carefully broached the conversation of a visit with my parents and about stopping by our house after an event at the school. They politely declined each and every time. They no longer participated in any activities for their grandchildren, since everything now involved them driving from their posh city streets of Edina to Minneapolis.
Harry and I felt moving to Minneapolis was the best decision possible after he was transferred to a new office there and all three kids had been accepted to the Conservatory of Theater and Music. We knew each child would be receiving the best possible education and Harry seemed delighted with his five minute commute which he often walked in the warm Minnesota summer months. Our new home was a historic, three-floor brownstone with plenty of space as we considered having more children.
With my 35th birthday soon approaching, I called my Mom to invite them to a small get together.
“Hey, Mom. How are you doing?” I asked knowing what would follow.
“Babe, I am doing well. I am looking forward to planting a few more bushes this week. Your father said he would help. The weather will be perfect.” All conversations with my mother began with garden and yard talk with a little bit of weather thrown in for good measure.
“I look forward to seeing them. Say, the weekend after next, we are having a small party for my 35th on Saturday, the day before my birthday. We are planning on only about 20 people and we will be serving all your favorites. It starts at about 5:30 p.m.. I look forward to seeing you both.” I planned to not say another word and let her sit in the silence.
“Sarah, I am not comfortable driving into the city. How about the Friday after next, I’ll take you out for lunch. You can come here and we can go catch a nice bite and maybe shop a few of the boutiques down on 50th and France.” My mother suggested as she does every year.
“Mom, that is very nice of you, but I am not able to. That week leading up to my birthday is quite busy and I have a meeting that Friday. I understand you are not comfortable. Mom, I am asking you to do something bold. It is my 35th and it is special to me. I want to celebrate with you. You have never been to my home and I am excited to show you everything we have done. I am asking you and Dad to do this for me. Let this be your gift to me. Come to my home and celebrate with me.” I cringed relaying the last sentence.
“I do not want to. You’ll have more fun with your friends. You don’t need your Dad and I there. We can do something another time.”
“Mom, there are no declines available to you at this point. I am requesting your presence because I will be hurt if you do not attend.” I needed to pass on some guilt in hopes of her saying yes.
“Sarah, fine. Why are you so stubborn? I am still bringing a gift.” She spouted. I wondered briefly if she hadn’t figured out who I got that from. “We will be there. We won’t be staying past dark. I don’t like this at all. I might have to take a pill before we get in the car just so I can do it.”
Her pills were often mentioned when she wanted someone to feel bad for her, feel guilty or to make sure attention swayed back to her. I think her pills were Tums.
“Thank you, Mom. Thank you. I’ll see you at 5:30 p.m. the day before my birthday. I’ll even text both you and Dad the address again and a link for the directions. I love you, Mom.” Tears poked at the corner of my eyes.
“Babe, I love you.” And with that, she hung up.
I was elated yet wiping tears as Harry walked into the bedroom.
“So, has the Queen Mother finally decided to grace us with her presence?” Harry grinned.
“Yes. Oh my word, yes. Now we’ll see what excuses she can come up with to bail. Do you wanna place a bet? Will she or her ugly crusty little white ankle biter dog come down with some grave sickness to keep her away?” I giggled as I wiped the last of my tears.
Much to my astonishment, no excuses came. The evening of the party, my parents arrived “fashionably” early at 5 p.m. as expected. They were always prompt if not early. As my father hesitantly parked by the curb, I watched out of our huge picture window. No sooner had he placed the car in park, my mother’s car swung open wide. Barreling out of the car, she scanned in every direction, slammed the car door and bolted up the 5 stairs leading to our front porch. Entering the home without knocking, she even slammed the door behind her. My dad hadn’t even exited the car yet.
“Mom, I am so glad you are here. Welcome! But didn’t you forget something?” I asked.
“What?” She felt for her handbag, and checked to make sure she also had a gift bag in hand.
“Dad. You forgot dad.” I couldn’t help but laugh.
As dad entered the front door, we all hugged and kissed Hello. My Mom looked nervous and her eyes darted around the room.
“Sarah, your home is beautiful. The colors are exquisite. You have done a marvelous job.” Harry began to give them a tour and I got the kids settled after hugs and kisses with their grandparents.
“Mom, we forgot to pick up the rolls we ordered at the corner store. Come, walk with me and get them.” I stated.
Fear. That is all that I saw. My request to join me on a walk in my neighborhood in Minneapolis made my Mom appear to be filled with fear.
“Sarah, I can not join you. No. No, I just can’t. We saw what was on the corner. I saw those shoes over the power lines. I know what that means. That means they sell drugs there! Your home is quite beautiful, but how can you live here? The gangs sell drugs on your street!” My Mom shouted much louder than necessary.
Feeling so incredibly thankful that they had arrived early, and no one else was in ear shot, I saw the last of my kids round the corner smirking with raised eyebrows after hearing what their Grandma had just said.
“Mom, yes. You saw shoes over the lines on the corner. You assumed it was drugs because that is what you even told me when I was young. Mom, those shoes thrown over the line were from the high school seniors who live on our surrounding streets. They do this in celebration of graduating. In England, they used to throw shoes when someone was married. Shoes thrown over lines don’t always mean gangs are present or drugs are being sold!” I exclaimed not only to be heard but also in grappling with disbelief. “Our neighborhood isn’t just safe, we have become friends with our neighbors, there are tons of kids for our kids to play with. We wouldn’t have moved here if we thought there was the potential for our family to be in danger!”
There was silence followed by tears as Mom collapsed into a puddle onto the couch. Once my Mom gathered herself, she went on to explain she had always been a fearful person, but us moving to Minneapolis was unfathomable. She always thought of Minneapolis as a dangerous place to dwell and people only lived there if they had to. With her slightly tearful explanation, I was able to figure out why she had always refused invitations to our home and why she would do anything to go out of her way to never drive those few miles to the home I now treasured. The house that my family had made our forever home.
After apologies were extended and faces were dried, other guests began to arrive. My father and I served as greeters when Harry quickly stepped out to pick up the bread order at the corner store, and Mom went upstairs to spend some long overdue time with her grandchildren.
The party ended up being a delight. My parents finally meeting our new friends and neighbors warmed my heart. My Mom’s heart continued to soften throughout the evening and her fear disappeared. Minneapolis had its crime and issues, but my Mom now felt better informed about her surroundings and our choice to move here, even though Harry and I had explained it all a thousand times. Seeing my Mom and Dad smile while in conversation with our neighbors made me feel elated that this breakthrough occurred.
As they left that night, my Mom leaned in and whispered one last apology. “Babe, I saw that coffee shop about two blocks away as we drove here. What if next Saturday morning, I stop by and we can take the kids. Maybe we could get a donut or something and a cup of coffee. I would like it if you could show me some of the stores you like to shop in now.”
Immediately, I agreed and smiled at Harry. He knew exactly how important this night was for our family and my for my Mom and Dad. Thankful to be 35, I was also thankful for a corrected misunderstanding and that fear was no longer present.
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