Bag of Walnuts

I have been struggling with physical pain for about 12 weeks. I have been to many doctors and not one of them has had the ability to fully address my pain.  I have seen three doctors, have had a ton of testing, I have seen a rehab specialist and have received another  referral as of today to see a new doctor and possibly go down a completely different road with more testing and additional diagnosis's.  Some days are better than others. Some days I don't want to leave the house. Today is just so so.  I am awakened quite a bit in the night and struggle to ever feel fully rested.  Needless to say, I am emotional mess even on the good days. Cried talking to the nurse on the phone today giving her all of my medical info to start a new file at yet another doctor's office.

I am unable to take pain meds as they screw up my GI track and make me feel even worse. After extensive surgery last year, I found in the first 8 days, I had to get off the pain meds and switched to muscle relaxers. Can't even take those right now.  Trying to figure out the root cause of some of the pain as it is often deep and migrates from one place to another. I have had five docs refuse meds or other alternatives. Five.  When they realize I am not seeking meds, but an accurate diagnosis and then pain management to get me on to the road to recovery, they are at a loss.  Almost as if I am the first patient that has said, STOP! No more meds!  -They study me closely and tell me that they think pain meds might help, understand why I am adverse to them, and then tell me they think I should see a new doctor.

Pain is hard enough to deal with. But what I struggling with the most is discouragement. I feel I have been medically abandoned. I do not have a medical point person, someone in charge of my medical case. I am constantly calling and begging for the help pushing referrals through when someone drops the ball. I don't know who to call and ask more questions. I don't know what I am supposed to do next most days.  I need my pain managed and someone to take the lead. I need a medical professional to say, --Me, that person is me.  I may not be able to help you Kelli, but I am going to find someone who can. --

I cried quite a bit this morning.  Puffy face, red eyes, exhausted.  It took it all out of me.  I am down trodden and fell that this is never ending.  I told Josh that I think it is pathetic when I catch myself saying things, like -what if I am not able to travel yet? when a event is three months away. Or I have to plan out a day so that I have everything with me that I will need for an extended period of time, only to realize in all my planning, I need more medical supplies or meds. All I know is that I am trying my best to accomplish what I need to each day when it comes to work, writing and editing commitments and parenting.

So when I tell you all of this, I know what I look like. A friend hugged me last weekend and said she was excited for the day when my smile returns. That smile is still there, it just isn't there as often.  I know I look tired. I know my cheeks are puffy. I know that I look like I need a vacation. All of this is true.  But mostly I need a nap.  And a whole lot of prayer. Thank you for praying for me, for being kind to me and for accommodating me when I need and ask for help.

And no one has ever been so bold as Roger Sterling to say that my face looks like a bag of walnuts, but today, it sounds totally accurate.