Slipping Down

I laughed the first time I heard the saying -

I may look like I have it all together, but inside my shoe, my sock is slipping down.

To be honest, I feel like that a lot.  I have been told many times throughout my life things like, "You make it look so easy."  -I am not sure what "it" is.  "You are such a good mom." -My kids have been fed and they have on clean clothes if that is what you mean. "I don't know how you do it all."  -My house is a disaster of epic proportions and I am so very tired. I went to work today and did the dishes. Hardly accolade worthy.

Don't get me wrong. It isn't that I am lying. It isn't that I am portraying a fake persona and finally have everyone convinced that I know what I am doing.  My mom told me that my smile that comes naturally could be deceiving.  When I was a teenager and first heard this from her, I was confused as I thought she was insulting me.  After hearing it a few times, I asked her what she meant, because it sure sounded as if she was being mean.  My mom explained that she actually envied me. I was so confused.  She went on to say that no matter what I was experiencing, no matter what had happened, I always seemed able to locate a readily available smile that seemed genuine. She wished she could do that.  She wished that what she was thinking and feeling didn't always show on her face and in her body language.  My mom told me that she knew my heart, and she knew my joy and she admired that I was able to find something that could make me smile in each new day.

When I was 12, my parents divorced. My parents relationship went from being married to trashing each. When I was 14, my dad moved to Washington and never returned.  Also, when I was 14, I became ill with Lyme Disease and felt pretty horrible for a number of years.  But I went to youth group, I made new friends, I began to date, went to camp, attended youth conferences and went on missions trips.  I acted in plays, I sang at special events and at county fairs and at the state fair.  I went to college, I met my then future husband.  No matter what I had experienced, life had to go on. I wanted to do more, see more, experience more.  I was forced to put one foot in front of the other. And I am so very glad that it was my mom pushing me along the way.

As an adult, I have struggled with a number of physical issues.  Needing a number of surgeries, trying to figure out pain management, and desiring a pain free day, I struggle. I am usually quite honest when someone asks me about how I am feeling. But I worry that I have become a bit of broken record.  I complain. A lot.  I don't want to be known as the complainer.  I am now able to identify what kind of day it will be usually quite soon after opening my eyes in the morning.  I have good days and I have not so good days. But I feel that after my most recent surgeries this past January, that I have more good days than not.  However, one of things that I have really worked on is being very aware of and thankful for is the good that I can find in each day.

A day is made up of many moments.  Some boring and mundane, some heartwarming and edifying. Others funny and laugh worthy, while still others that fill us with emotion until inevitable tears break loose.  Each day is a sum of its parts.  Those parts become a whole.  Even on the toughest of days,  I force myself to identify what good can be found.  Yesterday was one of the not so great days for me.  I struggled with pain the entire day. Transitional movements were the worst. (Sitting to standing, laying to sitting.) However, I got a lot of work done yesterday on the computer. I took my kids to the library.  I enjoyed an almond milk chai tea at Red Bench Bakery.  I watched 4 little girls play and splash in the pool.  I cuddled with my son.  My husband and I enjoyed many games of cards together at the dining room table.  These things made me incredibly happy on a day where I could have felt nothing but discouragement.

A friend who was going through rough patch once told me that the only thing she enjoyed each day was that first cup of coffee.  I responded, "How wonderful that you have coffee! Imagine if you had to start your day without it.  That would be a horrible day."  After repeating this and other such things to her, she started to realize what I was aiming at. We spoke about our daily challenges and our triumphs. I told her how I had to make a concerted effort to explore the good in each day and sometimes, I even had to intentionally create fun. It changed my mindset.  Now, I know when I become a Negative Nancy, I need to go on a new path and search out the good.

That smile you see?  It means- I have missed you.  I am so glad to see you.  I love hearing stories about your kids and sharing with you stories about mine.  Thank you for meeting me.  I enjoyed our time together. I can not wait to spend time with you again. -That smile is meant for you.  That smile is real.  Thank you for making me smile.

Tomorrow might be another hard day.  My sock might totally be slipping down.  I have to leave for work quite early and then have to come home and clean.  But you know what? I will laugh with my morning client. We will be silly together and take breaks to love on her cat and admire her healthy patio flowers. I will laugh with my kids and swim in the afternoon sun.  I will make a great dinner for my family and probably swim again.  I will seek out the joy that is mine for taking.

My house might not be completely clean by the time the guys arrive for bible study tomorrow evening. But it doesn't matter.  Because I will probably have located my smile by the time they arrive. And there is always Tuesday. I work on pulling up my socks then.

WHAT DOES THE WORLD NEED TO HEAR RIGHT NOW?

 https://jaylongwrites.com 


My friend and fellow writer, Jay Long,  posed an important question.  What does the world need to hear right now?  I poured over this question and others for quite a few days.  I found myself going down rabbit holes of thought and knew that I needed to focus.  

I came up with a few bold statements that I think the world needs to hear.  

This president won't end us. Just hold on.

Stop trying to promote sin as acceptable. 

Choose to help rather than complain and add to the problem.

No one will change their mind about politics or vaccinations based on what you post on your social media platforms.

Focus on relationships.  Love people deeply. Hold on to them tightly.  For time passes too quickly.


While pondering these statements, I figured out why I had ended up going down so many other trails.  These may be statements that the world needs to hear right now, but they are not ready. They have turned their attention elsewhere, and their ears have been closed to outside influences.  I believe that we have been bombarded with messages of hate, and distrust, with greed and malice.  With everything that seems to be thrown at us daily,  we as a human race have shut down. We have turned inward and have become ambivalent and judgmental.  Rather than listening to others, embracing other ideas and enabling ourselves to be influenced by positive people, we shut it all out. Almost as if we are flying solo, or have decided to forever be the captain of our own ship.  When keeping others at arms length, I find it can become a lonely state to thrive in. We weren't meant to do life on our own.

I then started thinking about what do other people in my life need to hear.  

Thank you for loving your friends the way you do.  For perusing them earnestly with requests for their time. Thank you for always being the organizer and making sure that we can always get together.

Thank you for your embraces. Thank you for always making sure that I let go first. Your hugs are life giving. Thank you for giving of yourself when you know others are hurting.

You are an amazing dad.  I see you. I see the difficult situation that you are in.  You parent each child as if they were your own.  You are loving and encouraging to all of your kids.  And this mom admires all that you do.

I am sorry.  I am sorry I left things up in the air. I am sorry that I never addressed your questions and may have stringed you along.  I still care for you and I always will.

I am proud of you.  I am proud of the young woman you are growing into.  I love your heart and your passion and the way you are not afraid to wear your heart on your sleeve.  I love the way that you love others. 

Thank you for trying. Thank you for giving me second and third chances.  Thank you for laughing and knowing we can try again tomorrow.

It still hurts me, too. The lack of closure. I treasured you for so long.  You were in my life, and then you were not.  I wish we had a chance to talk. Maybe we will someday. I hope that we will.

I admire your hard work and perseverance.  I know it isn't easy and your life has been challenging.  You inspire others without even knowing it. 

I love you.  I always have.  Don't give up on me, because I will never give up on you. 

These things are easier for me to say to the people I love. To the people I live life with daily. To the people I will always treasure, even if time and space has separated us.  They also need to hear these things. We often become so involved in the details of each new day, that we forget that other people are there for us. To support us, to encourage us, to tell us that it is all going to be okay.  

What does the world need to hear right now?  Love others. Encourage others.  Pour into the lives of those that you love.  Support others until they don't need the daily help any longer.  Take the focus off self and discover the difference you can make when you do something for someone else.  Stop focusing on your own ideas, beliefs, ideologies and even your own misconceptions, and start embracing the people around you. 


I may have written this because it is what I needed to hear right now. 

Let's Do This

Let's Do This

For- Writers Unite!

By: Kelli J Gavin 

I arrived in the city three days after my 21st birthday.  It has been three months. Three months of sleeping on couches. Three months of washing my clothes in a wash basin in dirty showers. Three months of working 12+ hours a day at two separate jobs I do not care for. Three months of not going on more than 3 auditions. My whole goal of being here in the city was to find "The Job". To find "The Role" that will bring me satisfaction. That will make me not have to work so hard. That will make life just a bit easier.

I was told to get an agent right away.  I tried 6 different agents in the first month I was here. Only three even agreed to a meeting with me.  One told me that I needed to have established film and stage credits before they would ever entertain the idea of representing a "no name" client. She also informed me that high school roles and local fashion shows shouldn't be included on my resume. I thanked her for the tip. The other two agents couldn't even bother to return my call.  Of the three agent I met with, none of them agreed to represent me.  One was a hack with an office above a Japanese Fusion restaurant that smelled like grease and unappetizing food.  His hair was greased back so severely, that I became convinced that he was using the grease from the kitchen down below.  Agent number 2, laughed at me when I asked if they would represent me, and he said he would keep my name and number on file and call me if they had any new representation openings. The third agent asked me for an up front agent retainer of $7,500.00. I informed her that if I had that kind of money, I wouldn't be sleeping on couches and worrying about having clean clothing each day.  I made a swift departure.

When the discouragement set in, I knew I needed to distract myself. I needed to make sure that I kept busy and that I saved some money. I needed to find a roommate and get a place of my own.  I was motivated, I had a plan. I accepted that I needed to concentrate on making money and getting my own place to live and then I could refocus on developing my career. Sleeping when I could, I sometimes had to remind myself to eat.  I worked hard, made great money in tips and did well.  Here I am.  Three months into this journey.  Three months of disappointment. Three months of sub par living conditions. Three months of working myself to bone.  But it is all worth it.

Tomorrow,  Calista and I are moving into a tiny sixth floor walk up studio apartment.  There will enough room for two single beds and a couch.  That is about it.  An efficiency kitchen with a mini fridge, a micro and hot plate.  But it is ours.  I met Calista my first day on the job.  We clicked and knew that being roommates would work.  She slept all day and worked all night at the corner bar and restaurant.   I would make sure to make myself busy and stay out of her way when she needed to rest. My goal will be to keep my job at the location on the corner where we worked together and I will quit my other job next week.  By quitting the second crappy job, I will have more time to research auditions, find out about local casting calls and explore the city and all that has to offer.

I do not know if I will ever land "The Role".  But I do know this. It isn't for lack of trying.  Even if I only ever work at the bar on the corner, I plan on being the best waitress my customers have ever seen.  I will be so helpful and fast that they will ask for me by name and request to be in my section when they return each weekend. My plan from here on out is to excel at everything I do.  100% effort as I put my best foot forward. I feel like this city is waiting for me.  Waiting for me to explore. Waiting for me to dive into adventure.  Waiting for me to embrace it fully.  And I am not one to disappoint. 

Okay Life.  Let's do this. 

Welcome to My Circus- for Mercurial Stories

I am at a loss for words.  I didn't even know what to do first. Where I should start.  I slept in today.  Oh, a glorious extra hour.  I have been so tired, not sleeping well and I was reveling last night at even the idea of a much needed, long sleep.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I am a mother of 5. Let me repeat that. 5 kids.  Our house is what I like to refer to as organized chaos. More of a focus on chaos than organized. 

The hour of extra sleep that I was so looking forward to, became something I would regret, the moment I heard the crash at 7:32 a.m.  And when I say crash, I mean more like the sound of an explosion. Not a single sound that only lasts a moment. More of a cacophony of echoed crashing that never seemed to end. I bolted upright in bed.  What was that?!  Was I dreaming or did I actually hear a disaster happening just one floor below my bedroom? I swung my legs over the side of the bed and listened. And sure enough, The screaming and crying started immediately.  

"MOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!" Etna, my oldest had this way of calling me when there was a real problem. Almost as if the elongation and volume of MOM was the indicator to me that there was really a serious problem on the main floor rather than just calling me because someone was lazy and wanted a glass of water, with ice cubes, crushed, not whole. 

I grabbed my robe as my see through holey night gown was such a painful sight, that my kids would easily find yet another thing to make fun of.  I quickly opened the bedroom door, only to find the screaming and crying and one of my kids losing their mind, only increase in volume.  Did they hear me open the door and chose to make it worse than it already was?  I descended the stairs maybe only hitting one or two of the stairs as I had become an expert and scaling whole flights when everything seemed to fall apart quickly.  

I rounded the corner and wished I was still in bed.  The baby sat painting the wood floor with the honey that had been spilled when the plastic container hit the floor.  My 5 year old sat next to the baby eating raisins and offering them to the baby.  My 8 year old was sitting in a pile on the floor holding his ankle like death was pending. And then I saw the mess.  Or the war zone as I will now refer to it from this day forward.  From what I can deduce, my 8 year old attempted to climb the shelves in the pantry to reach the upper cabinet where the kid sugar cereals reside. Said 8 year old, almost 9, had failed to realize that the shelves would never hold him and decided climbing the shelves rather than locating a chair was the best means of acquiring said kid sugar cereal.  When the five shelves crashed down to the floor, the contents they held followed, and my eight year old fell to the floor screaming.  My 10 year old was still sitting in front of the TV in the living room completely oblivious of the chaos that surrounded her. And Etna. Sweet 14 year old Etna, stood next to the kitchen sink crying her eyes out in a state of disbelief at what just happened while she was in charge of her siblings.  

But was Etna really in shock? Because let's face it.  This crap happened all the time at our house.  Hands stuck in mouse traps,  dog poop on the walls, chocolate syrup squeezed on couch cushions. Etna was crying because she knew I would need her help cleaning up the mess.  Everyone stopped crying when they realized I was in the room.  I grabbed the baby and handed her to Etna. I told her to strip the baby and give her a bath in the kitchen sink. I washed my 5 year old's hands and sent him to watch TV with the 10 year old.  I met eyes with my 8 year old and knew right away that he was okay.  Maybe a bruise or minor sprain, but we weren't dealing with gushing blood or protruding bones. I wiped his tears, kissed him on top of his head and picked him up off the floor from his messy food pile. I wiped cracker crumbs off of his pants and removed a stray crouton or two from his toes.  I told him no more gymnastics in the kitchen, to always locate a chair or ask for help.  He smiled at me, I ushered him into the living room with an ice pack from the freezer for his ankle to also watch TV. 

Leaning into Etna as she thoroughly washed the baby in the sink, I kissed her shoulder.  What would I do without this precious girl, my first born? My helper, my sweet girl.   "Thank you, Etna."

"Mom, I am sorry, you didn't get to sleep in. I... I tried."  Etna apologized.

"Et, it is okay. You know your brother.  He is my climber. What can I say.  And a hungry climber."  I took the baby and dried her thoroughly with a clean towel from the drawer, wrangled a new diaper onto her and placed her in the high chair.  Etna quickly followed behind with Cheerios in hand and placed them on the tray.  

"Come and eat!" Etna shouted as she pulled bowls from the cabinet and milk from the fridge.  Her long arms easily grabbed three of the desired kid sugar cereals from the upper cabinet so that each child would be able to choose their favorite.  

Children being fed, I started to tackle the mess of all of our pantry food lying on the kitchen floor. No, I didn't get to sleep in, but had a very successful purge of all of the shelf stable food and now my floors are super clean from sweeping, scrubbing and mopping. So there's that. Maybe tomorrow the desired and elusive sleep will be had.  But until then,  I still need to figure out clothing for my brood and activities for this hot day. 

These are my monkeys. Welcome to my circus. 

When You Can Not Go Any Further

I am in love with the state of Tennessee and the Smoky Mountain National Park.  We are here vacationing and staying at a cabin at Shagbark in the mountains.  Our best friends from Georgia met us here and we are enjoying spending time together.  Meals shared around our table of eight.  The last three days we have played dominoes and watched movies, and played charades together in the evening. We have also enjoyed going to the local Baptist Church on Sunday morning, tried to swim in the too cold pool, gone to the aquarium, gone shopping, played mini golf, and arcade games.  And we have spent hours catching up laughing together.

Today, we headed into The Smoky Mountain National Park and planned to go to the Grotto Falls.  We found out soon after getting into the National Park that the road leading to Grotto Falls was closed.  We decided to head to Rainbow Falls.  2.7 miles straight up.  I thought I could do it, but I couldn't.  I had surgery five months ago, and thought I was fine, I was not. The pain set in almost right away.  I only made it about a 3/4 of a mile up. If I had been walking on flat ground, I probably would have gotten a lot further. But today was not my day to climb the mountain to Rainbow Falls.

I had to encourage my husband to go ahead and continue without me.  He didn't want to go. He was concerned about leaving me alone without cellphone coverage in the mountains. I told him I would be fine. I had no intentions of going down the mountain myself and promised him I would stay put and explore.  He was hesitant as we had already encountered three bears. I finally convinced him and he raced to join the rest of our family.

The reason I wasn't sure that I could descend the mountain on my own is because of my crazy cyborg eyes.  I have intra ocular lenses in my eyes and struggle with depth perception.  I never feel sure footed especially on steep terrain, rocky paths or uneven ground. I decided I would for sure stay put when I realized that I didn't even have keys for our vehicle.  The National Park was very busy today, so I knew that I would encounter quite a few people along the beaten path.  And I knew they would be curious why I was remaining in one location and by myself.

First, I knew I needed to scope the local area and make sure that I knew my surroundings. I came up with a plan if I encountered bears or if I felt in danger for some reason.  There was a large tree I could hide behind.  I knew there was a stone rock wall I could carefully climb down to get out of the way visually. And I can scream and people were almost always within sight, but would for sure hear me.  I had nothing to fear.  I spent more time enjoying nature than anything else.  Pine cones, huge acorns, twisted vines, poisonous centipedes and huge red body daddy long legs.  The singing birds were a beautiful sound along with the constant sound of running water in the creek.

I also had some great conversations. Met a couple from Wisconsin who were a little concerned about me and stayed with me a bit to make sure I was really fine like I said.  They were worried about the bears because just as we sped up and passed them, the momma bear decided climbing on a car in the road was appropriate. They have had a few encounters with bears themselves in Wisconsin.  The woman from Texas was sweating very badly in the 98% humidity.  She was panicked because they had passes to the Dolly show and she wasn't going to miss the show because of a hike she didn't want to go on in the first place. The funniest conversation I had was with a woman who was more upset about the amount of moonshine she still had in her stomach than the fact that she knew she was never going to make it up the mountain either.

My day was exciting.  I spent a lot of time by myself, but I had a great day.  I enjoyed God's creation, spoke with some interesting people and came up with a makeshift survival plan if I was assaulted by bears.  Rather than getting upset that I physically wasn't able to go all the way to the top, I was thankful that I made it as far as I did. I was overjoyed that no one was asking anything of me and my job was to be immersed in my surroundings.  No, I wasn't able to enjoy the view from the top, but the view from where I was, was pretty amazing.

When you can not go any further, when your body gives out, when pain takes over, when your heart can't do it anymore, never view it as giving up.  Today I made the wise decision to stop, catch my breath and let my body heal. I wasn't giving up, I was changing course. I was experiencing an unplanned adventure that I may never get the chance to experience again.  And for that, I am eternally grateful.  It wasn't a fluke, it wasn't an easy out, my body just wasn't ready to climb a mountain.  And that is alright with me.

Vacances S'il Vous Plait

I woke this morning is a town called Mt. Juliet, Tennessee.  Near Nashville, our family has enjoyed being on the road the last few days.  Leaving Minnesota bright and early this past Thursday morning, we drove straight through to St. Louis.  We were ready to be out of the car. We enjoyed a good dinner out and then went back to the hotel for a swim.  The "heated pool" made us long for a non existent hot tub.  We all were more than happy to fall into a deep sleep that evening.  After breakfast at the hotel and a mandatory Starbucks stop, we drove to the Illinois side of the river and enjoyed the Gateway Arch from top of an amazing three tiered ramp.  It was a beautiful park and we took our time before getting back on the road.

Once on the road, we headed to Nashville. We thought it would take us less than 5 hours, but we were greatly slowed by multiple accidents on the freeway.  Once in Nashville, we drove around a bit,  briefly enjoyed a few sites and then headed to the hotel and out to dinner at Cheddar's. Now, my family usually enjoys this restaurant in the southern states.  It was not a great experience.  Our meals took forever, my drink wasn't great, our waiter was actually rude when I questioned the small portion of the dinner portion of crap salmon I was served, my daughter was disappointed with her meal and Zach wasn't interested in it at all.  We tried. At least we had dinner in us.  We headed back to the hotel and enjoyed a wonderful swim in a quiet perfectly heated pool.  A quite evening of cards and a movie before heading to bed.

As we woke bright and early today, we packed up, ate breakfast again at the hotel an headed to Starbucks for our mandatory visit. 
Now on the road to Gatlinburg and The Smoky Mountains, we are enjoying a peaceful drive and the beautiful rolling hills and trees.  So excited to spend this week in the mountains at an Airbnb. And even more excited to meet our best friends there. We have missed our friends as we haven't seen them since February. The 8 of us haven't all been together since last summer when they came to Minnesota for a visit. We then traveled to Stockholm, WI together for a nice stay at The Refuge.

This week will be filled with great conversation, excellent food, lots of games played, walking and exploring, admiring God's creation, swimming and more great conversation as we catch up on each other's lives.  I can't wait to hug our friends. To love on them and hug them again.

Our kids are as excited as we are.  Vacation may commence....now.

Bucket

Bucket

By: Kelli J Gavin 

I have been told it is too small
My bucket, that is
Too small to hold it all
Hopes and dreams should be big I am told
Bigger than what my bucket can hold
I believe it is just the right size
It contains everything I need
Happiness
Memories
Love
Faith
Kindness extended to me
Forgiveness
Lessons learned
Gratefulness
But what it contains is mine
A little bit of who I am
Of what I have become
When I pour it all out
I gaze at where I once was
Savor where I am now
It is all together inspiring to me
That my small bucket holds
Everything I need
Hopes for my children
Dreams for my loved ones
Satisfaction of a life being lived well
Stop worrying about my bucket
Start addressing the hole in yours