I may have been told more than once that I talk too much. So to spare my family and friends much turmoil, this blog was created. Tales of Wonder. Tales of Woe. Often of heartache and love. Stories about my special needs son and my spunky daughter. Moments of Joy and Hope and stories about what I would do differently if given the chance. Stories that only I can tell. Here you find a little of everything. And you will want to return for more.
Thursday, November 21, 2019
Consequences
Apparently, even after all these years, I am still surprising myself. One would think that at 44, I would have figured out who I am and how I operate. One would be wrong. I am a faulty, messy, distracted, fair weathered individual. I can be on it one day and completely scattered the next.
Actions speak louder than words. And those actions sometimes have severe consequences. Severe enough consequences that can ruin relationships, change the course of a life and even cause a complete breakdown of person's ideology.
I find it disconcerting that I am always able to detect, point out and even call out poor behavior and decisions in someone else's life before I am willing to admit, confess and conquer those same behaviors and decisions in my own life. I call out someone else's sin before I am willing to come face to face with my own. Plank and speck. I even justify my judgement and need to convict others of their sin, forgetting that I can not be nor ever will be the ultimate con victor, the Holy Spirit. Taking on that job isn't one that I ever wish to have, especially when dealing with my hot mess self each and every day.
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Matthew 7:3-5
Those planks tend to be messy, huge, and life stalling. The existence and presence of so many planks can often blind and deter me from even attempting to take a step forward. Usually because I have been focusing on fixing everyone else. And when I pause, on days like today, and acknowledge that some serious personal housekeeping needs to be tended to, a knee is bent, a request for forgiveness is made, thanksgiving and praise is given to a loving Savior and an acknowledgement occurs of the grace and love that is bestowed to me each and every day.
When I pick up the pieces that have been mended not by own hand, a step forward is then possible. Not only possible but commanded. That first step is to love others, to serve others, to pour into the lives of other people.
Each time this happens, I remember what I was taught as a child. Be the one that addresses the planks, not the puller of specks.
Wednesday, November 20, 2019
Too Many Battles
Too Many Battles
By: Kelli J Gavin
Life. It is hard, isn't it? Daily, sometimes, more of the hard stuff happens and it seems to pile up. Pile up so much that it can be debilitating. The heft, the burden of life can weigh so much, that it is immobilizing.
When I was in high school, I was struggling during my junior year. School, a couple of challenging classes with excessive amounts of homework, play practice, church youth group, babysitting. There seemed to be never enough hours in the day to accomplish what needed to be done. I was tired and I needed a break and there wasn't any break in sight. My mom saw how much I was struggling. She saw me wipe tears away as I entered the kitchen. She saw me studying until 9 or 10 p.m. every evening. She saw me become more and more quiet.
"Kelli, I know you have been under a lot of pressure with so much going on. I don't know that we can make school ever go away, but you can take a step back from a few other things. Knowing that you have made a commitment to be in the play, I would like to propose that maybe you take a break from babysitting and youth group for a month, maybe longer. I know that you like the money you make from babysitting, and that you like spending time with your friends at youth group, but what if you just didn't attend for a bit? You can focus on school, homework and play practice. You can make sure that you get to bed at a decent hour each night. What do you think? Should we try it and see how it goes?"
I started to cry. I was so thankful because I felt like my mom was giving me permission to take a break. She was giving me permission to pick my battles and letting me know that she knew I had probably picked too many. She was enabling me to put battles back that I shouldn't have picked in the first place. Over commitment had become the biggest battle in my life.
Now, as an adult, as a married mom of two teenagers, I feel I have learned a wise lesson from my mom. I have learned picking my daily battles is essential. I find myself whispering, "Too many," to remind myself that most of the battles that I face were never intended for me to fight.
Today, I had the day off of work, but a to do list a mile long. Deadlines looming, work contracts, errands, and groceries. It took me 3 hours to finish everything on my computer alone. But then I looked at my battle list for the day. Too many. Fewer. Put some back.
Tomorrow is a new day without as many battles that need to be fought. And when something happens that may change my course, something unexpected that may weigh heavy on my heart, I will remember my wise mother. I will give myself permission to take a break. I will pick my battles, and when I realize that I have picked too many, I will put a few back. I will focus on the new day that I have been given. I will be thankful for those family and friends that surround me. Because those are people that bring me joy daily.
Sunday, November 10, 2019
Honor
Saturday, November 2, 2019
Do You Care?
My daughter is a little drama queen. She loves music and singing and acting in plays. She also loves swimming. She lacks any sort of talent when it comes to sports, but can ride a scooter like it was her God given gift. My son loves drawing, golf, swimming and going for walks. Everything he enjoys is a very solitude act.
My husband and I have always enabled our kids to choose their activities. We never forced them to participate in tee ball, little league or even any team sports. I never encouraged my daughter to try gymnastics, dance or baton like I had when I was young. But I also never encouraged it. We never signed them up for anything and then made the go against their will. However, there was a week long summer dance clinic that made me feel like that week was actually going to kill me in the end. My kids swim in the backyard in the summer when they want. The go for walks and scooter rides. They tell us when they want to go to the golf course, the driving range or Top Golf. We are a content family without surrounding ourselves with the busyness of organized team sports.
We are also content with the idea of our kids not being involved in a ton of other activities. We make it a priority for our kids to attend church youth group on Tuesdays or Wednesdays. We also make sure that if our daughter wants to be in a play or volunteer through school or church, that she is able to do so. We encourage our kids to have fun through doing the things that they like to do and we don't force them to do the things they may not enjoy just because other kids participate in those activities. I never want to be a parent that passes on a Keeping Up With the Jones mentality to the next generation. And that attitude can be formed when it comes to the acquisition of things or the participation in events or activities.
I have been asked if Josh and I have any plans for Lily to become involved in any additional activities. Um. No. What? Why? My daughter is in 7th grade, has asthma, lacks any coordination whatsoever to excel in any sport, but loves to act in two plays each school year, sing in choir, volunteer after school each fall and at church every other Sunday. I have full confidence that she enjoys every activity she participates in and doesn't begrudge Josh or I for forced participation. Parents are already talking about college and scholarships and resumes. My mind can't even wrap itself around the fact that we have two teenagers. I can't even yet imagine the idea of Lily going to college.
Parents are a funny thing. Of course we all want whats best for our kids. But sometimes, parents fall into the comparison game. They even take more pride in the personal accomplishments of their children than they do in anything they have done. And that pride can morph into a raging machine when they want to make sure that every other parent knows how well their kids are doing in comparison to other children.
Nope. I just don't have time for it. A humble brag, yes. My kid is having fun in a play at school. The performance is this weekend. So proud of her. Not- My daughter is the most amazing actress ever. - And then try to recruit the entire family and friend sphere to attend a performance of a junior high play. Or- My kid loves to draw and he has really improved over the last two years.- Then post updated drawings. Not- print out a million copies and and distribute them to everyone including the lady stocking fruit at the grocery store.
My goal each day is to love my kids, encourage my kids and point them to Jesus. My goal isn't to fill their day and frankly my day with more activities and more stress that make them feel like they just want to make it through each day rather than enjoy and savor every moment.
Do I care that my daughter won't have the most padded resume or activity involvement when it comes to college applications? No. I do not. But I do care that she has a kind heart. I do care that she enjoys helping others. And I care that she has time to play with friends, time to read, time to play games with her family and time to be a kid. Because in a few short years, this world is going to ask an awful lot of her. This school will ask her to be an adult in a world where adults aren't very nice to each other. This world will ask her to compete for positions in school and for jobs. This world will ask her to focus on everything that doesn't matter rather than focus on the condition of her heart and mind.
So, for now, I will not push. I will not sign her up. I will not pester. I will not beg. I will not make her do anything she isn't interested in or be involved in anything she doesn't enjoy. Because today, we are focusing on her being a kid. On having fun. On smiling and laughing. On enjoying this day that we have been gifted.
Friday, November 1, 2019
Never Disturb
Wondering what brought on a rush of emotions the other night, my husband wiped a few of my tears and gently asked me what was wrong. My feelings were deeply hurt when I reviewed a text history with a friend. I realized that I was the one texting. I was the one asking questions. I was the one initiating every interaction we had. I continued to put in the effort and hadn't caught on that the effort wasn't appreciated. That the effort hadn't been appreciated in quite some time.
I wish I could say that this is the first time it has happened to me. That it was the only time I shed a tear over a friendship when I realized it had played its course. After drying my own tears, I fondly remembered what my mom had said more than once when I was growing up. "Never chase anyone. I don't care if it is a friend or a boy. Some relationships are meant to last. Some, for only a short while. When you learn who will stay, hold on to them."
I think my mom knew a little about relationships playing their course. She had watched friends come and go. She had also grieved as she experienced her marriage to my dad crumble. A personality larger than life, she was driven, focused and sometimes too much to take in. People felt overwhelmed by her. But I realize now as an adult, that the relationships my mom lost, said more about the person who walked away than it ever did about her.
When someone loves another person fiercely, it can be scary and often disarming. What if a person was hurt, even expected to be hurt, and built up a few walls of protection in the mean time? When all that love is directed at someone, it can be overwhelming. And usually when people are overwhelmed, they either shut down or flee. And flee was what I saw people do when it came to my mom. No longer answering phone calls, not available to hang out or meet for a quick meal. And eventually, that friend, that person who was once so close, was a fond memory.
Never chase anyone. I always listened to my mom. Well, I usually listened to my mom. I won't chase. But I also won't fall apart. I will miss my friend. I will miss texting, our late night laughs, our giggles and catching up over coffee. Our meals that turn into 2 then 3 and 4 hours long. But I will never disturb them again.
And what if another text is received? What if an attempt is made to contact me? I will love them like I always have, I will remember fondly a friendship that was important to me. But I will remember the feeling of being avoided and move on. I will move on to the relationships that encourage me, to the relationships that restore me. The relationships that I plan on continuing to treasure.
Sunday, October 20, 2019
When Surgery Takes It All Out Of Me
But this time? This time is different. The muscle relaxers are also not helping and I have developed an allergic reaction to the glue that covers my stitches that close my external incisions. To be very honest, I am miserable. I am tired and so incredibly ready to sit, lay, even lounge without being constantly aware of the pain that is present.
I am not a stranger to physical pain and extended recovery times. I have found that in these down times, I have a lot of time to pray, to read the bible, strategize (future game plans for projects that need to be completed) and to write and edit. I also really do enjoy watching movies. But I get bored so very quickly.
My kids are returning to school tomorrow. Josh will leave for work, and Lily is responsible for getting Zach on the bus. I will have the entire house to myself all day. I have about 10 minutes of energy in me at a time. If I can shower and get dressed and sit down quickly I will be fine. Then I will wait an hour and try again for some cereal and coffee. I will take it slow and probably need a nap after just that.
Surgery has taken it all out of me. All of it. Every last ounce of energy that I had prior is non existent now. And I am completely content with that. No, the kids laundry isn't folded. The kitchen counters looks like someone may have died on them. And my kids are just going to have to fend for themselves when it comes to lunches and snacks this week. But I am content with the fact that things are a bit messy and even more so out of control for a bit.
While my body heals, my entire body relaxes. I am not racing from one activity to another. I am not booking clients and working until the late hours of each night. All of the things that seem so important can wait for a bit. A week or two, maybe six. I will sleep and enjoy coffee. I will reread my group bible study and enjoy my friend Michelle Choe's blog at https://deeperriches.com/blog/
I will do all of the things that I wish I had time to do, and not be expected to do anything else. I will enjoy this time. I will welcome this time. I will remind myself that no one wins a trophy for being the most busy person. It isn't a cool thing to be the busy person who always complains about being busy. Defeats the purpose. (Lily would call them Attention Seeking Busy Creators.)
Tonight, I will sleep. That is it. Tomorrow I will edit. That might be it. Coffee will be consumed. And yogurt with fruit and honey.
And I will be grateful for a doctor who has the knowledge of how to fix broken bodies. I am thankful the Lord hears my prayers and meets me wherever I am. And right now, that is on the couch in the front living room enjoying the beautiful fall breeze blowing in through the open window.
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Spend All My Life
My daughter has a friend who believes herself to be beyond her 13 years. She strives to wear the cool clothes that the older teen girls wear. She wants her hair always in a messy top bun. A few months ago, I observed that this sweet girl had an obsession with her hair. She would take it out of its pony tail holder, throw her head over to her knees and proceed to gather all of her hair just to place it back on top of her head again. Usually I wouldn't give it another thought, but something strange was occurring each time she did this. She always seemed to be doing it in very close proximity to other people. She would somehow manage to flip all of her hair into the eyes of the person standing next to her. Or she would cover the shoulder of her friend. It struck me as odd. I don't want other people's hair touching me or being flipped onto my eyes. I saw one of the girls roll her eyes as she looked at me, and then later, a boy turned and walked away.
I pulled her aside. "I like your top knot. When you put your hair up, try not to do it when other people are standing shoulder to shoulder with you. Do not rush. Take your time to gather your hair all in one hand and put the pony tail holder in with the other. You can even excuse yourself to the bathroom and do it in the mirror to make sure you got all your hair. If your pony tail holders don't seem strong enough to hold your hair, let me know and I will order you a set like I purchased for my Lily."
My daughter's friend heard me loud and clear. She could tell I was momming her, but also trying to help, not hinder. "Thanks. I think I will take you up on your offer for pony tail holders. My mom has such pretty hair and she doesn't have thin hair like I do. She never has to put hers back up. I feel like my hair falls out constantly. I think if I use a tighter one in my hair, that might help. Thanks."
Right at that moment, I loved this little girl. Comparison is the thief of joy. She was comparing her hair to her beautiful mom's hair and was struggling with her own. There isn't a teen girl alive that I have ever known that hasn't struggled to some degree with self image. She needed help, a few pointers, and she felt comfortable taking them from me. Just another mom. But a mom that cares.
My son loves going to his special needs youth group on Tuesday nights at church. It is the highlight of his week. When I go to pick him up, I can hardly contain my smile when he dives into arms in excitement and can't wait to tell me everything that he did at Capernaum. Jake, his 20 something helper, came out to greet me also. "Mrs. Gavin, your son is amazing. He loves music and loves the other students. I enjoy watching him interact with other volunteers and students. He makes volunteering a fantastic experience for me." Behind Jake, three other volunteers were smiling and nodding in agreement. Right then, my heart soared with love for each of those volunteers who so selflessly give of their time to serve my family and to love on my son.
My husband leads a men's bible study on Thursday mornings and oversees men's ministries at our campus church. This past Sunday, we hosted an hour of prayer to uplift a soon to be deployed serviceman and his family in prayer. We adore this sweet family and consider it an honor to do life with them.
As the men from the bible study were preparing to leave, one of the men pulled me aside and said, "Kelli, thank you for having us. I want to tell you how much I value your husband and how much I look forward to spending time with him and the other men in the group. Your husband is a wonderful encouragement to me." Right there, my heart loved this man who took the time to tell me how thankful he is for my husband.
Sometimes, when I love someone, it is for something they have said, or even something they have done. Other times, I love someone for the words they chose not to say. And love is always present when someone loves my people, my family.
I will spend all my life loving people up close. I will love my children and husband until this world is no longer. Different people and in different ways. The love that strikes anywhere and at any time, in single moments, is something that I want to experience every day for the rest of my life.
Prayer and Thankgiving- Remembering My Mom Today- Jo Cook 8/4/26-2/27/13
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