I Was There To Hold His Hand

    

Our dad is dying. He is in his final days. My sister Angela is doing an amazing job caring for him in her home. She is overseeing care, administering medications and pain meds to keep him comfortable. She is meeting with social workers and hospice nurses and chaplains. And while she is exhausted and it has taken a toll mentally and physically, she is doing it all with grace, kindness and love. 

    Today, I had one task that I wished to accomplish. I took the day off of work, made sure I timed my long drive appropriately and made the trek north to my sister's home. I was there to hold his hand. That is all I planned on doing, and what a joy it was. 

    While he laid with his eyes closed, I told him I was there and touched his chest. 

    "Hi, dad. It's Kelli. I am here to see you. I love you." 

    I took his hand from where it rested on his stomach and held it until my fingers cramped. I do not know if he knew I was there. I do not know if he could understand everything I said to him today. But I do know that he could hear, and he heard what was important. 

    I told my dad that I loved him and I thanked him for being a great dad to me when I was a kid. I told him Angela and I will be okay. That we will miss him, but we will be fine. I told him my kids will be forever grateful that they got to see him last week and smile together. I acknowledge that he is in pain and it must be so hard to feel that way and not be able to communicate. I told him he doesn't need to fight any longer and that it is okay to go. That it is okay to just rest now. I gave him permission to not feel the need to hold on for us. Because it is his time. 

    My dad may live a few more days, maybe not even last the night. I am so thankful for the time I had with him today. I am so thankful I was there to hold his hand. 

Ten Years- 2/27/23

Ten Years

2/27/23

    Ten years time in theory is quite a long time. 3,650 days. 87,600 hours. 5,256,000

minutes. To me, it is a very long time to be without someone you love. Our mom passed

away ten years ago today. Ten years. And while ten years seems like an awful long time,

this time has passed by in a flash. 

    I remember her laugh.

    Her love of hard candy and ice. 

    How she read books to her grand kids and only stopped when they were done

reading. 

    Watching movies together and listening to all of her questions. 

    Explaining the why and how something occurred because she never thought about

it that way before. 

    I remember her ability to make a new friend everywhere she went.

    How she loved deeply and often until it sometimes hurt her. 

    Mom served others selflessly and wondered why others didn’t always do the same. 

 I remember her cooling off in the small blue plastic pool. 

I still set books aside for mom realizing it isn’t necessary. The last one, was a book of

poetry and I wrote in the inside cover before I donated it- 

    Mom- 

I love you. I know you are not here, but I found myself setting this book aside for

you because I knew you would like it. You are loved and you are missed. Thank you for

teaching me to love the written word just like you did. 

Love Always, 

Kelli

    I prayed today and asked God to help me do a better job loving my kids when things

get hard. She loved Angela and I well, even when things seemed impossible. We always

knew she was our safe haven. 

Today, I remember her and I miss her fiercely. I look forward to sharing memories with

the kids at dinner tonight. Something we always do to honor her each year as we remember

the day she went Home to be with her Savior. 

    Will the next ten years pass just as quickly? Possibly. I will continue doing the same

things. I will remember how well she loved others, how well she served others and I will

continue sharing my stories about her.

     What an honor it is to remember you today, Mom.